08.31.25 - goodbye summer
11:25 pm. i am extremely tired from being up early this morning to do some cat stuff but since its the last day of august i was thinking it'd be nice to reflect. i have been feeling much better this week despite the rough patches i had been having all summer.
after i went to my first shift at that new job (which was at a dog daycare/boarding place) i actually ended up quitting after only 2 training shifts for a plethora of reasons. it wasn't really even about how it was stressful (50+ large dogs being managed by a single girl in a huge field?) or gross or whatever. it mostly came down to my dog allergies being Much worse than i had understood, and how it seemed like a really toxic work environment where people were talking about quitting right in front of trainees. staff arguing with each other and management, it seemed like a nightmare!! i decided to nip that right in the bud to protect my peace. it sucks to be unemployed again but with school coming up i'm gonna need to focus on that anyways for a while.
all in all though i'm actually feeling good about the future, which is what i had been so anxious about for months and had been causing some mental health deterioration. i'm thinking after i get my degree that i want to take a veterinary office assistant course and do that for a while. i am not really fussed with trying to worm into any sort of highbrow career path, i seriously just want to do something i like. all i need is personal fulfillment bro!!!!
ANYWAY summer was rocky but ultimately still good i think! classes start on tuesday and i am ready :>
08.20.25 - cool weekend
7:00 am. it is wednesday and i've been meaning to log an entry since sunday, but this is a very busy week for me and i haven't really had the time. on friday my boyfriend and i travelled to vancouver for an ethel cain concert which i had been looking forward to for months! it was my first time driving on on a big highway and the drive there was treacherous but the return trip was much more smooth. since we drove down on the day of the concert and kept experiencing road delays i was incredibly stressed and was acting #crazy. we did make it in time though!!
i feel like i won a small battle because the merch situation was incredibly dire and featured a twisted line of people that went up all 3 floors of the building, we waited in like for 2.5 hours and missed the opener entirely which did kind of suck but at that point i was committed. ultimately i got the shirt i wanted with like, 10 minutes to spare before the main show started and there was still a gargantuan line behind us. it was good though!! ethel cain is my favourite artist so seeing her live was really special and important to me.
we stayed in a hotel that was built in the 1920s and decently preserved over the years. the fking inside door lock BROKE so we had to climb in and out of a window to a stairwell to lock the door at night lmfao. on saturday we kind of meandered and ended up going to science world to goof around, which i liked a lot.
so it was a good trip and a nice break from stuff. tomorrow i have my first shift at my new job and i am very scared!! tonight is show and tell at a friends house where everyone brings a blessed object and a cursed object to talk about. i am very enamoured with this idea.
08.08.25 - oh man
11:56 pm. i think i'm obsessed with myself. all i think about is like this big lineup of all these iterations of who i used to be in phases throughout my life. shit is getting dire. i am mourning versions of me that have never been mourned before, that have been locked up in a vault. i liked to pretend my highschool years didn't exist at all because it was quite frankly traumatizing, yet those were really the peak of my creativity. so much editing and fanart and involvement came from her. and now its hard to get me to do anything artistic at all. i just mean to say that i was very dismissive of that time in my life without realizing the nice things that i did have.
and what is even stopping me from pursuing these creativities today? embarassment? shame? busyness? could not tell you. because i don't do a heck of a lot besides work. creating my website was the first passion project i have had in a billion years, and i fear after i am content it is back to doomscroll city. no more instagram reels please god.
08.04.25 - ruminating
another morning log. i have had a very up and down past couple weeks admittedly. i think i am letting my own dislike for my job bug me and stress me out in my day to day life, but at the very least i do have an interview for someplace far better tomorrow which i am incredibly nervous about because i really want the position. currently trying not to place all my eggs in that one basket.
these past couple months i have been quite contemplative of like, all the people i once knew. friends from various stages in my life who i do not speak with for one reason or another. my father is a big proponent of keeping in contact with friends no matter what but i think making and essentially losing friends is just kinda the way of the game man.... that being said i did reach out to probably my first ever online friend from 2015 this week after not talking for five years and it made me feel i don't know more at peace somehow, like all of these people are not lost.
today is tentatively a beach day which would be great if that did come to fruition... having to dress in minimal clothing for hot weather makes me ridiculously self conscious but i also would like to enjoy the sun..
07.28.25 - touching grass
it is currently 10:59 am which is a somewhat odd time to log an entry, but here we are. yesterday was very eventful!! in the morning i worked an adoption event for the local animal rescue i volunteer with and we had around 30 cats and kittens, almost all of which got adopted :)
i went home and had to try to nap as much as possible lol..... in the evening we went to a show for a band that is really awesome live, but unfortunately the venue was not great. tonight is jam night and since i don't play any instruments i am trying to decide if i want to draw or work on my site during it. i used to just sit and watch during the jams but seeing everyone exercise their hobbies ends up making me want to work on mine. i am such a vehemently awkward person in real life and it is something i'd really like to work through but it is difficult being so intensely in your own head about stuff. need to start daily affirmations of like: its okay to be here these people like you you are allowed to hang out with them and everything is chill. lol.
honestly i think i'm going to need to reformat this journal page because this scroll box could theoretically end up becoming really long and i'm not sure about that. but also this is just what was easiest for me so idk!!!
07.23.25 - the great retail experience
my first journal entry here.... usually when i journal i like to write about my day, recurring thoughts i've been having, dreams (although i'd like to maybe make a dedicated page for dreams) and other miscellaneous business.
so.. that is what i am going to do lol. today in particular was uneventful. it was shipment day at work which is basically the most actual labour i ever do at my job. i am extremely keen on finding different employment as of late because coming back to this job was a last resort due to employment these days seeming like an ouroboros of preexisting work experience being required for entry level jobs. but i digress.
it is just very draining and i have a manager who speaks out of turn very frequenly and is generally a pretty negative and miserable person who makes it everyones problem lawl. i really want something better for myself and the idea of ever finding a career that i will be fulfilled by both emotionally and financially has been causing me great despair as of late. the wonderful world of being in your early 20s. i had pizza and a huge 7 eleven diet coke for dinner though which was lovely.